In the last flicker of light

(For Small, who died of HIV/AIDS in Prison Hospital 2002)

It was after twelve midnight.
I know because it was after
the second round of the second
night watch. Inmates were asleep.

They came with a knife made of
steel spoon, thrusted it into my throat –
And I was told to be silent.
They undressed me
and penetrated my anus-hole.
As they pounded over me
torment filled my soul
and I wanted to die
for my manhood was denied
and my dignity shattered into pieces
(It was my first experience of prison life)

the pain of darkness
confusion and fear
immobilised my mind
And despair flooded me, as I lay there
in hell alone, after what felt like eternity –
Trembling
I got up and dressed.

I had flash-backs of them
thrusting and thrusting
as if boring a hole in my soul –
Emotional wounds were etched in my mind,
as I recalled one of them saying:
“My Rosie, my baby” –
That was my burden to carry alone
I sadly thought –
As fear set in, recalling what one
of them said: “Speak of this to anyone,
then you die boy”
My eyes were burning
and I felt tears pricking
my eyelashes
And I stormed like a lightning
into the shower.

Cold water pounded onto my skin
as if laughing my shame –
no soap        no water
could wash away the dirt
I felt inside.

That’s all he told me
lying there on that bed
ready for his demise –
to meet his Maker.